Release Me

Posted: August 11, 2012 in Batteries Not Included

I was sitting there in the conference pre-study with Brother Sze when he shared something that I think I had already known, but put in a way that opened my eyes and made something click. He said that when we look at the cross, we think of pain and suffering and more pain and more suffering. It’s a bitter thing to bear. But when Jesus looked to the cross, He didn’t see pain and suffering – He saw release. Release from confinement in a human body, release from the hunger and weariness that He went through as a man, release from being confined to being in one time and one place. To Jesus, the cross was glorious – it was the key to His returning to His former state.

And it made me think of death in an entirely new way. See, there’s this song that goes something like this: All I once held dear, built my life upon, all the world reveres and wars to own, all I once count gain, I have counted loss. I’ve sang this some maybe a zillion times. No, maybe 20 times. 30, tops. And each time I sang it, I thought I meant it. But do I really? Do I really want to give up everything that I once held dear? Everything that I’ve built my life upon? Everything that defines me, to the very core?

And the simple answer is no. I don’t want to give it up. Do you know what it feels like to be told that the very person you are is not the person God wants you to be? To be told that at the very core of your being, of your existence, is something defiled, something dirty? It’s the very thing that Paul talks about in Romans 7:15. But – but – but what if I don’t hate the evil things that I do? What if what I hate is being judged?

I thirst. I hunger. I desire. And these are base things. My life is one full of weakness. I wish I could be released from this life of weakness, so that I can stop feeling guilty about not hating the things I should hate. I’m tired of not being good enough. I’m tired of having to fight the core of my being, or worse yet, tired of not fighting. I’m tired of realizing that I’m not an overcomer.

My life is one full of weaknesses. I know what the cross is, but I have trouble seeing the glory beyond it. I don’t like realizing that I’m not the man I wish I was. I sometimes wish…..  I seek release. Release from not being good enough. But I suppose that decision is not mine to make. I suppose I should look at the cross, and face it, and bear it, and seek the glory that lies beyond (not that I’d have a whole lot of glory to look forward to, at the rate I’m going, what with all this whining and complaining).


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